Reverse culture shock (also called re-entry stress) can occur when you return to your “home” country after spending time in another country or countries. For third culture kids (TCKs), this process (and stress!) can be more challenging and protracted than for monocultural/mono-place individuals (such as short-term cross-cultural workers) who return to their home country. It is sometimes difficult for TCKs to identify what “home” they’re returning to or (re)entering. Is their “home country” their passport country, their parents’ country/countries, one of their childhood homes, or their country/countries of citizenship? For a TCK, “home” can be conceptualized in many ways.
For a TCK returning to their passport country (referred to as “home country”/“home culture” in this article), there are several challenges to negotiate, including cross-cultural, social, and even developmental (depending on what age they re-enter/enter their passport country).
For TCKs, the losses of community, place, roles, and even purpose can compound the stress of returning to their home country. Feeling out of control, frustrated, confused, and alienated can lead a TCK to go through the stages of grief when negotiating re-entry. In order for TCKs to heal from their grief, it is helpful to invite them to articulate what they have lost and let them express how that makes them feel. Recognize that the expression may come out in one of the grief cycle stages, such as bargaining (for example, “Maybe next year we can go back and see everyone again”), negotiation (for example, “If I stay here one year, next year I’ll have enough money to return”), anger (for example, not feeling content about the current situation), or denial (for example, thinking that there won’t be culture shock because they understand the culture from social media). In order to reach the stage of acceptance, we must allow the TCK to express their grief by journaling, talking through it, or creating something that represents their grief. In and through this, you can affirm their resilience and strength during previous transitions and assure them they have the ability to do it again in this season.
Flight/Denial Stage
Because the TCK is experiencing the painful stimulus of not belonging or is finding it difficult to connect with peers in their new community, they may withdraw from others, fantasize about moving to another country or previous home, or sleep a lot. The feelings of disengagement and disconnection can create more alienation, which can make TCKs want to leave the community and/or country.
It can be helpful for TCKs to share their re-entry story with a family friend or mentor who has been through this kind of transition themselves and/or can process it with them in a facilitated manner.
Fight/Anger Stage
When TCKs are in this stage and don’t think they can escape from it or resolve it, they may experience internalized anger (depression), helplessness, and hopelessness. Increased cultural intolerance can lead TCKs to become more critical of their home culture. For TCKs, when their home country is no longer just a place they visit for vacation or brief stays, the home culture or country is not romanticized any longer, and anger becomes a defense mechanism for TCKs who ultimately fear rejection by their country peers.
In times of distress, trauma, and grief, it is a human default mechanism to go into “flight or fight” mode. Flight can look like avoidance, mood swings, and apathy; fight can look like confrontations, frequent arguments, and anger outbursts. In order to process these emotions in a healthy way, it can be helpful for TCKs to share their re-entry story with a family friend or mentor who has been through this kind of transition themselves and/or can process it with them in a facilitated manner.
Filter/Bargaining Stage
In this stage, the TCK distorts, denies, or simplifies the complexity and reality of their painful situation of trying to adapt. Extreme expressions of this stage could look like TCKs refusing to discuss their upbringing or by only associating with other TCKs in the community. Or they may deny the fact they need to buy different clothes appropriate for the weather or eat certain foods needed to survive in that environment.
Flex/Acceptance Stage
This stage involves the productive response to reverse culture shock. To overcome the challenges of this transition, TCKs need to anticipate and accept that this is a normal process and that it will take time to process as they grow in their understanding of how values, beliefs, and thought patterns may clash with their home culture. Through negotiating this stress, it’s vital for TCKs to develop healthy ways to cope, including resting well, eating well, and exercising.
Every human being is hardwired to connect with others, so (re)building relationships in a home country for TCKs can be a root of healing and wholeness to the place and country at large.
Finding Meaning Stage
David Kessler has popularized the final stage of grief: finding meaning. Telling their story in a way that people understand is one way for TCKs to intentionally connect with and find meaning in their home country community. Every human being is hardwired to connect with others, so (re)building relationships in a home country for TCKs can be a root of healing and wholeness to the place and country at large. TCKs who can appreciate and respect that people from their home culture also have a story can initiate an invitation to hear them as they learn more about the history and culture of the place. Another basic human need for any person—TCK or not—is to be validated, so TCKs need to honor how they can listen to and validate others as deeply as they want to be heard and to receive validation.
For many TCKs, there will always be tension between their “worlds” or “homes,” and showing love for each one can be expressed in different ways. Love can mean being loyal to multiple places and to people. Loving each home is a both/and for TCKs, as several places, people, objects, and traditions can produce feelings of safety, belonging, and comfort.
Rooting or settling in a “home country” does not mean being disloyal to past homes. Loving the country they’re i means choosing to be present and to engage locally. TCKs’ past homes are always a part of them; they are a foundation in their life, and it’s important for TCKs to realize that foundations are meant to be built upon. It isn’t wrong if past homes aren’t a part of their life in a conscious way; sometimes, it’s a matter of degree, depending on the intensity of the experience and the impact it had on their identity.
Loving each home is a both/and for TCKs, as several places, people, objects, and traditions can produce feelings of safety, belonging, and comfort.
As TCKs process closing out a chapter in their life and begin the transition into a new one, it is important to recognize and recommend those in their network (such as church leaders, community peers, family, and friends) who can serve as mentors and confidants. Doing so will help them feel agency as they pursue independence and personal growth. Establishing a “cultural broker”—someone who understands where they have come from and where they are headed—to guide them through the new environment’s food, fashion, music, slang, etc. is a foundational way to support this transition. Lastly, cultivating a practice of gratitude can also serve as an anchor of stability to help TCKs identify and appreciate the blessings in their life.
As TCKs grow in love for their home country, they need to remember that love is a verb. Being in love with self, with community, and with country will produce connection, a desire to explore, and a sense of belonging. Nurturing, respecting, and leaving love as a legacy will ultimately showcase how TCKs are building a world as lovers, not fighters, and as connectors, not leavers.
Megan Norton is an author, third culture kid (TCK) consultant, intercultural trainer, podcast host of A Culture Story, and writer at adultthirdculturekid.com. Growing up as a U.S. diplomat dependent, she lived in six countries (U.S., South Africa, South Korea, Germany, Japan, Israel) and has lived in four more countries (Austria, Greece, Hungary, Poland) and five U.S. states as an adult. Megan is an active member of Families in Global Transition and has served on the Board of Directors from 2018–2022. For the past five years, Megan has been the co-chair of the NAFSA Global Nomad/TCK Member Interest Group. Megan holds two master’s degrees: one in Intercultural Communication, and one in Strategic Communication. Megan’s writings and research are published in several magazines and online forums. Her book, Belonging Beyond Borders: How Adult Third Culture Kids Can Cultivate a Sense of Belonging, equips and empowers globally mobile youth to recognize their cultural competencies and apply them in various contexts.
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